Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Food and Weight...Weight and Food

As I sit down to write this, I'm honestly not sure where it's going to this ought to be a fun surprise for everyone involved.

I have been ruminating on the unhealthy relationship I've had with food since I was a young whippersnapper, and it's something I very much want to write about. But it's also something that is personal and somewhat embarrassing, even though I know in my heart that it's a struggle that a lot of people go through. I did a short and rambling video for my YouTube channel on Monday that touched on the subject (you can find it here), but I think it's probably better told in writing. I edited a whole lot of pauses and sighs out of that video, and tried very hard to keep my emotions under control. But my Weight Loss has been stalled recently, and I think that I need to get this subject right in my head before I can make any more real progress.

I am probably one of the heaviest non-foodie people you'll ever meet, and I say that with the utmost sincerity. Other than pizza, which I love with all of my heart and could eat daily and never get sick of, there aren't many foods that I actually like. I routinely eat and overeat foods that I can't stand. Most of my friends with weight problems are foodies. They love cooking almost as much as they love to eat. They feel passionately about food. They get excited over their next meal. If I were being truly honest, I would have trouble listing a Top 10 of foods I love. And yet, I am obese. I struggle with eating out of boredom, and eating when I'm stressed. I also have this complicated thing where self-worth and food get all jumbled up in my head, and when I'm feeling low I will overeat because then it's easier to feel low...if that makes sense. Because eating has never been about fueling my body, and that is something that I really desperately need to work on if I'm ever going to be successful at losing the rest of my weight and keeping it off. Food needs to stop being mixed up in my mind with self-esteem, self-worth, and control.

If I were to distance myself a bit, and try to see when my issues with food probably started, I'd say things began going haywire around the time that my parents got divorced. I'm not writing a blog post blaming my parents for anything that ails me, let's just say that I'm setting the scene for you. I was in the 6th grade, going through puberty, and my mother me and my big sister stayed with my father, who at the time wasn't even aware of how you made sandwiches. Regular evening meals were not being made in this new 3 person household. My sister did the best she could, but our meals regularly consisted of popcorn, ice-cream and frosted flakes...with the occasional ground meat and potatoes thrown in. I didn't eat popcorn until my late 20's because of this time in my life. This sequed into a full blown Junior High obsession with not eating, one that included competitions with friends to see who could eat the least. I felt like my life was spiraling, as it had all the earmarks of a good afterschool special with parental issues and alcohol thrown in for good measure.

Things got better when I moved to Louisiana towards the end of my freshman year of high school, but got worse after my boyfriend (now husband) left for the military and my home life got very chaotic again. I would post photos, but I had a penchant for oversized clothing so it's very hard for me to tell that I was under 100 lbs at 5'8"...but I know that I was. I wasn't eating, and worse than that, I was taking over the counter products to keep me from wanting to eat, and helping to keep my energy up. Most people my age remember when GNC sold products that actually worked, mainly because they included ingredients that are now BANNED. Yeah...I was a big fan of those products. But we're supposed to be talking about food, and how I wasn't eating it at the time. Feedback from my mother was that I looked great, I looked great, I looked great...and then she said "If you lose another pound, I'm putting you in the hospital.".

Threats of hospitalization are apparently the thing to say to get the women in my family to stop being jackasses, because I stopped starving myself. Did I move onto other bad habits? Most likely. But we're talking about me and food here.

Somewhere in my 20's I flip-flopped, and instead of falling back on the bad behavior of not eating in times of stress, I started eating and leaning towards lethargy instead. Now, I am naturally a very hyper individual...but most of the time, you probably don't see that...the reason being, it's hard to be physically hyper when you are my size. Squirrel brain can show up no matter what your size, but bouncing around the house cleaning everything, and itching to DO SOMETHING instead of sitting still tends to DIE when you're over a certain weight. It's just not physically possible. So, you combine eating in times of stress...even if you've never been a foodie...with a metabolism that is so jacked up from starving it for years...with a lethargic body, and you get an obese woman. Not only that, you get an obese woman who doesn't recognize herself.

And I really don't know what to do with the whole food thing. My whole life it has always been one way or the other. Feast or Famine. Starvation or Gluttony. I honestly don't even think my body knows how to properly handle my metabolism is all kinds of jacked up. And I don't blame it. I have never treated my body as the temple God made it to be. I routinely talk about how my body hates me and my body aren't the same thing. And that doesn't even make sense! LOL

I think a few things need to happen in order for me to make progress, and I apologize that this blog post has almost turned into a diary entry. I think I need to find a way to reset myself when it comes to food...a way to really come to terms with food being a means to fuel my body. It needs to be removed from emotions for me, as I don't think I can ever have a relationship with food that involves passion or love, or any of those terms that a lot of people use when referring to food. It's been used too much as a tool for abuse in my life, either refraining from it as a means of control when my life got chaotic, or gorging on it as a means of feeling crappier about myself. I'm fairly certain I can do that within the template of Weight Watchers, I just need to figure out how. And then I need to come up with some good coping skills for when I AM stressed out or feeling overwhelmed. This is where I'd love to get some comments from my readers! What do you all use to help when you're having a tough time, stressed out, things are getting a little crazy in your life, and you need help getting centered?? Prayer, meditation, running, writing, art?? Please let me know in the comments here, or over on my Facebook page. It would help me a lot.

I wanted to write about this on the blog because I know I'm not the only person who struggles with these problems. I'm not the only person I know who has had disordered eating in the past, or who is struggling with it now. I don't mean to leave my male readers out, but us women have such a hard time with that intersection of self-esteem and weight. We let it all get muddled up together, and we shouldn't. Intellectually I know that I am worthy of love no matter my size. But it all turns into this icky mess at times, and then you toss that in with feeling things are out of control or you're overly stressed and it can turn into one giant feast or famine cluster-fuck (for lack of a more appropriate word). I had to put into words that this is something I am struggling with, and maybe we can figure it out together. I would like that.

Please leave me a comment if you can relate to what I'm saying, if you have any tips...any coping skills you'd like to share...any resources you think might be helpful. And I'll end this are loved and you are worthy my friends.


  1. I love you to the moon no matter what size you are.

    I tend to eat when I’m bored or stressed. I’m sure it’s no surprise but photography is therapy for me. I do it for me and nobody else (of course it’s nice when others appreciate it though). I think I look at the world a little differently. Being faced with your child’s mortality can do that. I’m certain I have PTSD. I’m also certain I’m a bit emotionally retarded and some what nutty. If I don’t create beautiful images, I tend to get into a funk. Living in the world of childhood cancer for so long is really hard. I am thankful Pete was so little when he was diagnosed. If I didn’t have my photography, I’m sure I would be medicated.

    I want to commend you on your bravery. I know it’s not easy to write posts like this and lay them out for the world to see. I’m sure this is part of your therapy.

    1. Oh lady, I love you so much. I can not even fathom what your experience with Pete was like. I know what it felt like as a friend watching from the outside. I know that art in any form is therapy for a lot of people. And your photography is amazing. I love what you said about it being for you and nobody else. I think that is probably the key. I lay in bed last night thinking about writing more of more story, maybe not for the blog...maybe just for me, or for something else down the line. Maybe it would help to get it out of my head.